Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
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Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.