Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Y’all know who you are.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.