ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
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Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
i prefer mine room temperature.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.