Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

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I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.


* asks plastic surgeon

” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”


Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.


Speed was unrealistic because nobody riding a bus wants to live


My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ


All I’m saying is no one had the coronavirus when people were eating Tide Pods.


I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?


Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.


Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…

After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy


Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy