I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.
Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
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* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Speed was unrealistic because nobody riding a bus wants to live
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
All I’m saying is no one had the coronavirus when people were eating Tide Pods.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy