Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
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I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag