Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
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“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.