me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
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police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection