Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
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My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Harsh but fair
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.