@ThisOneSayz

Me: what big eyes you have!

Me: what big nose you have!

Me: what big teeth you have!

Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?

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@TheToddWilliams

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

@UncleDuke1969

DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”

@LoveNLunchmeat

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

@iinkedZombie

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

@dulcetry

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

@meisology

50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid

@eff_yeah_steph

Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.

Me: Awww.

Date: *leans in for a kiss*

Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.

@ArfMeasures

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

@TweetPotato314

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good