COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
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DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good