Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
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Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
These are my roll models.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.