Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
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If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.