me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
You Might Also Like
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.