Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
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My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.