Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
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I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.