me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
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You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
so weird how every mom was born today
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.