Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.

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I find the best way to deal with death is not to be the person who is dead.


Politics informs every aspect of my life. It affects how much money I have, how I spend it, and my work itself. Sorry, not politics. Pokemon


My best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 35 we’ll hunt each other for sport


Me, age 30: *scrolling*

Me, age 37: *finally finds the recipe at the end*


Aw look he’s about to say his first words!
“Say dada!”
*baby opens mouth*
Here it comes!
*airhorn noise*


What flavor is the milkshake? How far away is the yard? How could you know its better than mine? You seem, frankly, a bit overconfident.


*First Date*
Friend: Women like a little rebellion in a guy
Her: So, tell me about your day?
Me: I don’t have to tell you shit


Friend: How many calories does heartache burn?

Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.