@mortimermaiden

Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.

You Might Also Like

@JizzIam

I find the best way to deal with death is not to be the person who is dead.

@bea_ker

Politics informs every aspect of my life. It affects how much money I have, how I spend it, and my work itself. Sorry, not politics. Pokemon

@notfunnyelle

My best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 35 we’ll hunt each other for sport

@VisionBored1

Me, age 30: *scrolling*

Me, age 37: *finally finds the recipe at the end*

@SatansTongue

Aw look he’s about to say his first words!
“Say dada!”
*baby opens mouth*
Here it comes!
*airhorn noise*

@Go2Slp

What flavor is the milkshake? How far away is the yard? How could you know its better than mine? You seem, frankly, a bit overconfident.

@Dis0beyJay

*First Date*
Friend: Women like a little rebellion in a guy
Me:Ok
*Later*
Her: So, tell me about your day?
Me: I don’t have to tell you shit

@shawnspree

Friend: How many calories does heartache burn?

Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.