Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
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Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.