@AristotlesNZ

Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Him: “Nothing. I’m good.”
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
“Seriously, knock it off.”
I GOT A NEW BULLHORN!
“I can see that..

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@xLiserx

Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.

@RightOJack

My GF spent $49 on a haircut. Had she gone to Petsmart she’d have gotten an ear cleaning, anal gland extraction and a free bandana as well.

@HyenaEars

Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.

@WeissBrandon

Cop: FREEZE, DON’T MOVE!!!
Me: *stops moving*
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me:…
Cop: NOW!
Me:…
Me:…
Cop: for the love of god…unfreeze

@GingerHotDish

Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”

…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.

@Jenny4ashley

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

@juliacomedy

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

@mxmclain

I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

@danwlin

Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump