I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
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Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
got so much cardio in today
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones