Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
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if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Lol
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that