@ThugRaccoons

Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.

Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.

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@chetprtr

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing

@ninatreemonkey

Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley

@dave_cactus

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

@krissywillbretz

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

@lord_zaidi

Don’t understand how people my age have children. I’m children

@MorticiaKate

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

@XplodingUnicorn

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

@djdarrellripley

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.