Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
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Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
🤣could you imagine
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Last-minute gift idea!
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.