Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
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[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.