Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

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Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you


I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.


Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.

Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.

Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.

[5 seconds later]

Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!


her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags


I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!


Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?


Her: I’m leaving…

Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.

Her:…for the store.

Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?


Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn’t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. Not even close.


Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.

I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.


The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.