Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
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Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so