Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
You Might Also Like
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Potatoes were such a good idea
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.