I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
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I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.