Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
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kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]