@ArfMeasures

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

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@abhorrent_wife

Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

@PleaseBeGneiss

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

@BlindVigil

Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.

@Hadzilla

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

@HomeProbably

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

@Karissajem

Listen up, bagel man. We’ve got a good thing going here so let’s not mess it up by you asking if I want the fat free cream cheese instead.

@Browtweaten

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

@michaeljhudson

I brought a t-shirt cannon to a knife fight. Everyone dropped their knives to catch their own piece of WNBA history.

@Divergentmama

[rubbing lamp]

Genie: You have three wishes

Me: I want something that will save me time, stress and heartache every day

Genie: Done!

*all of my kids’ shoes are now velcro*