@ArfMeasures

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

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@KeetPotato

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

@SladeWentworth

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

@TheAlexP

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

@WilliamRodgers

I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…

@pumpkin_horse

*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona

@lmegordon

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

@ObscureGent

Mugger: Give me everything you got

Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia

@JimmyTheThing

Gay or straight, No state should legally recognize a marriage if they don’t serve alcohol at the wedding.

@N0pantz

When I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, “Shark! Help!” And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.