-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
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[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Gay or straight, No state should legally recognize a marriage if they don’t serve alcohol at the wedding.
When I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, “Shark! Help!” And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.