Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume


You Might Also Like


[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”


I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.


[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.


I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…


*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona


Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.


Mugger: Give me everything you got

Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia


Gay or straight, No state should legally recognize a marriage if they don’t serve alcohol at the wedding.


When I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, “Shark! Help!” And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.