Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
You Might Also Like
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
you have three unread messages
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
i spent way too long on this
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
motivation
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.