Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
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Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no