Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

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Scientists have identified the dog particle. It is a good particle. Such a good particle yes it is. Does it want a treatsy weatsy yes it doe


Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.


My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.


My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”


Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.


Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.


Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!


Joe: If you love it so much why don’t you marry it?
Jim: Hmm

[Two weeks later]
Jim: Meet my new wife!
*holds up Joe’s wife’s potato salad*


Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car


God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away

Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this