Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
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A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
i- i did not expect this
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”