@HappyHijabbi

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too

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@lovejulieacafe

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”

@HansGrubertron

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.

@BatBatshitcrazy

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

@pinupteacher

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my dog was RIGHT THERE.

@LameAsChris

nobody has better posture than a 5’8 guy dating a 5’8 girl

@karanbirtinna

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

@gorrdano

Pilot makes a sudden sharp turn, comes on speaker “Just kidding!! Attendants will be by with new underwear. Have a nice flight everybody.”

@Proxic0n

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

@Gupton68

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.