Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
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Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
January has been Januweary
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy