@daddydoubts

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

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@robdelaney

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

@dreamthievin

{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.

@mrjohntofu

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

@muffkin7

Grandad: ‘I’ve just bought a new, state-of-the-art hearing aid.’

Me: ‘Great. What type is it?’

Grandad: ‘Half past three.’

@dankashane20

Why would you chase a waterfall? They don’t move to different spots you know. It’s pretty much just right there.

@platinum2000

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

@ScaryMommy

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

@thedad

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

@i_wasnt_looking

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.