I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
Me: what do you want for dinner?
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
You Might Also Like
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Grandad: ‘I’ve just bought a new, state-of-the-art hearing aid.’
Me: ‘Great. What type is it?’
Grandad: ‘Half past three.’
Why would you chase a waterfall? They don’t move to different spots you know. It’s pretty much just right there.
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.