Personally, I think Lance Armstrong should keep his trophies and awards.
Last time I rode a bike on drugs I ended up in my neighbors bushes
Me: what do you want for dinner?
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
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“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
I hate it when you tell someone a lie to sound interesting and then you have to keep it up for several years because you married them.
Brother: Do you want to come over to see the new baby?
Me: Does it have wifi?
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Wish I had the confidence of a small child having a meltdown at the shopping mall.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Cotton candy is just flavored spider webs
her: my baby was 8 pounds
me: oh you bought a british one?