Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

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Personally, I think Lance Armstrong should keep his trophies and awards.

Last time I rode a bike on drugs I ended up in my neighbors bushes


“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.


I hate it when you tell someone a lie to sound interesting and then you have to keep it up for several years because you married them.


Brother: Do you want to come over to see the new baby?

Me: Does it have wifi?


Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”

Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”


Wish I had the confidence of a small child having a meltdown at the shopping mall.


Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends


The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.