Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
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#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Sending in my taxes
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Don’t tell me what to do
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…