Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
You Might Also Like
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
If you know, you know
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.