Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
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If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.