Me: what do you want to be when you grow up?

Son: happy

Me: no, something reasonable

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Someone should write a book where the character slowly falls in love with the reader.


My twitter crush just broke up with me for saying WWE wasn’t real.

The irony is not lost here.


Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.


Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.


I’m no scientist, but harnessing the power of teen girls talking would probably solve all the world’s energy woes.


wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma


Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.