@DaddyJew

Me: what do you want to be when you grow up?

Son: happy

Me: no, something reasonable

You Might Also Like

@Olligater

Someone should write a book where the character slowly falls in love with the reader.

@wendyraepearce

My twitter crush just broke up with me for saying WWE wasn’t real.

The irony is not lost here.

@GianDoh

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

@KevinBuffalo

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

@Shock_Monster

I’m no scientist, but harnessing the power of teen girls talking would probably solve all the world’s energy woes.

@EndhooS

wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma

@Thepinkparka

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.