Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
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*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.