@Cpin42
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
@sofarrsogud
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
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@Cpin42
@thatUPSdude
Cop; Know why I pulled you over?
Me; Because you got beat up in high school
Cop;…….
Me; Because you got beat up in high school, Sir?
@ravenswng_
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
@metickleu
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
@stewteee
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
@StinkyGr33n
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
@fuckmarrywill
@iAmJuddy
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
@EricaWhoToYou
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
@BunAndLeggings
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you