ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something

[Later on date]

ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?

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[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?


Cop; Know why I pulled you over?

Me; Because you got beat up in high school


Me; Because you got beat up in high school, Sir?


I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.


Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.


My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.


I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”


Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you


Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???


Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?


Me: I hate you