@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

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@TheBoydP

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

@iwearaonesie

*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*

@batkaren

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

@Donna_McCoy

She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.

@tarashoe

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

@maughammom

If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine

@mommajessiec

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

@TheBoydP

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

@NrouteHQ

Me: I wanna be ugly

Genie: you got 3 wishes left

@TheBoydP

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.