Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
You Might Also Like
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Inside you there are two wolves
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.