@Reverend_Scott

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

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@primawesome

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

@looktothepickle

If you love something set it free.

*releases 4 year old son into downtown New York City*

@Brentweets

“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”

@DanMentos

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

@PleaseBeGneiss

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

@fro_vo

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come

@ipalatsky

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

@RaisingOneBrow

George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.

@seandunn76

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.