@DrakeGatsby

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

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@1followernodad

Me: I’m a scorpion.

Date: You mean scorpio?

Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.

@TheHyyyype

I have no idea why my downstairs neighbor always bangs his ceiling with a broom whenever I have people over. Does he need help sweeping? I can’t right now dude, I’m having a party.

@bourgeoisalien

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

@Alexclaimer

*walks up to IKEA return counter

*rips receipt into tiny pieces

*tells the clerk to put it together himself

@better_off_dad

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WebMD: Dude. Just call 911.

@IamEnidColeslaw

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

@LordofScribble

As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.

@jayonguitar

If your girlfriend offers to make you breakfast at 2 AM. She’s probably not your girlfriend and your just drunk at Denny’s again.