Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.


Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

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We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.


[1692 Salem]


“No, Frank, at the stake”

[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.


When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.

On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”



Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”


I can feel my gut hanging out of my t-shirt but it’s hidden by my hoodie so basically my secret identity is Winnie the Pooh.


Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone


this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route


Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!

*eye twitches