Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
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*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Nomnomnomnom
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.