Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
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I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.