me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
You Might Also Like
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?