@fishbowel

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

- @fishbowel

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@DurtMcHurtt

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

@ChicksRule

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

@IamEnidColeslaw

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

@Jake_Vig

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

@slimmy_shady

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

@Dani_Feld

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

@Social_Mime

Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

@skickwriter

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes