Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
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My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
RT if you could go either way.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.