Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
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“I will cook for you.” I threatened
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”