(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Me: What kind of cake for your birthday?
Wife: Just something with chocolate
[later, me in the kitchen melting chocolate over a crab cake]
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9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
TRUMP: To make America grate again
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Road rage, because yelling and cursing at strangers in the safety of your vehicle is fun.
Unless they have a gun.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!