@Mr_Kapowski

Me: What kind of cake for your birthday?

Wife: Just something with chocolate

[later, me in the kitchen melting chocolate over a crab cake]

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@AimeeHelene1

(my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can’t understand you.

Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”

@iwearaonesie

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

@daemonic3

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks

Why?

TRUMP: To make America grate again

@Smooheed

“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”

I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile

@dafloydsta

Road rage, because yelling and cursing at strangers in the safety of your vehicle is fun.

Unless they have a gun.

@CynicalTherapi1

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

@dubstep4dads

Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible

Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo

@007Rex_Inc

Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.

@panmidwest

ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band

@CherBear162

An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!