@Mr_Kapowski

Me: What kind of cake for your birthday?

Wife: Just something with chocolate

[later, me in the kitchen melting chocolate over a crab cake]

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@FredTaming

my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating

@AbbyHasIssues

*Showing me a picture of your baby*

Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?

@lurie_john

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

@WordsOfaHooker

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

@UncleDuke1969

Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.

@Brampersandon_

INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness

@mommajessiec

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]