me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
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[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.