me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

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Time out. Otters not only sleep holding hands, but have a SPECIAL POCKET to hold their favorite rock? Humans are bullshit.


I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.


“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video


Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile

Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?


Me: You look amazing with glasses.

Her: OMG thanks

Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.


Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??


Me: better floss before drowning this guy


ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?

JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective


What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?


Waiter: Ready to order?
Me: Yes, what goes well with an overbearing sis-in-law with delusions of grandeur?
W: …
M: …
W: …
M: Whiskey.


I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.