big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
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[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around
[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
For them to grow
I just hope this Justin Bieber thing doesn’t make all yellow Lamborghini owners look bad.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.