@Tmoney68

Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?

GF: What?

M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.

GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.

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@nbadag

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

@Real_Dick_Head

Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.

@matt___nelson

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

@juliussharpe

I just hope this Justin Bieber thing doesn’t make all yellow Lamborghini owners look bad.

@bobvulfov

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

@rebrafsim

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

@tassletie

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

@climaxximus

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.