Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
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How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.