eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
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Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.