If you’re a sex worker, and you don’t end all of your client interactions with “it was a business doing pleasure with you”, I think you’re wasting an opportunity.
me: what kind of ice cream do you have?
store assistant: it’s Ben&Jerrys
me: *slides $20 accross the counter* aaaaand whose is it now?
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Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
When the zombie apocalypse comes, we’ll be the last to go because we never leave our houses.
Just found a $5 bill in the dryer.
-Adds money laundering to criminal resume.
Ted Cruz thinks:
1. Presidents should pray every day
2. More prayers the better
3. Muslims pray 5x day
4. Ted Cruz wants a Muslim president.
I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I’m checking Twitter and not taking pictures.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?