@E_lok44

Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is

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@wickedsuga

Found $5 in my pocket.

I vow not to let my wealth change me.

@ibid78

Don’t even talk to me unless you’re an actual cup of coffee. In which case I’d listen to your story as I slowly sip the life from you.

@KalvinMacleod

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

@Daveastated

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

@scottthetwat

The FBI agents that will eventually search your basement
won’t be able to sleep for a very long time.

@_Bankrobber_

“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.

@Six_Pack_Mom

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

@pilau

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

You didn’t, the brakes did.

Cop: But do you know why?

Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?

Cop: Get out.

@bridger_w

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”