Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is

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Found $5 in my pocket.

I vow not to let my wealth change me.


Don’t even talk to me unless you’re an actual cup of coffee. In which case I’d listen to your story as I slowly sip the life from you.


ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.


Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.


The FBI agents that will eventually search your basement
won’t be able to sleep for a very long time.


“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.


Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.


Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running


Cop: Know why I stopped you?

You didn’t, the brakes did.

Cop: But do you know why?

Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?

Cop: Get out.


Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”