Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
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Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I’ve been learning to cook.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……